Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanisms were introduced by Sigmund Freud as automatic unconscious mechanisms or behaviors which help alleviate anxiety from unpleasant events or behaviors that a person cannot handle at the time. Defense mechanisms are part of our normal development as they help us cope with difficult and/or unpleasant situations in life. Since they are unconscious most of the times we do not realize we use them.
We all use defense mechanisms in life as an adaptive way to go through life, or else we would go insane. The problem begins when one, or more, defense mechanisms become habitual and turn into maladaptive ways of thinking and/or behaving.
Rationalization
In this blog, I chose to address rationalization as it has been one of the most common defense mechanisms for me. Rationalization is an attempt to explain unpleasant behaviors using specific mindsets aiming to justify our or other people’s behaviors despite the fact that somewhere deep down we do know that they are not right or life supportive.
Some examples are:
- You do not get invited to a work party and you rationalize it by saying that you would not go anyway because you were tired. This way you avoid the unpleasant feeling of being excluded instead of dwelling on it and getting depressed or anxious
- You tolerate abusive behavior from your spouse with the justification of him/her having a bad day at work or because you said the wrong thing. This way you avoid taking responsibility for a choice you have made and/or the need to take action to change things
- You do not speak up when the other person’s behavior causes you distress. You rationalize it by claiming you “understand” the other person’s state of being mostly out of fear of losing the relationship.
Maladaptive rationalization is an unhealthy pattern in relationships as in most cases you shoulder the blame and accept fault in cases you have done nothing wrong. This acts as a positive reinforcement for the other person to keep repeating the problematic behavior creating an emotional distressful and sometimes abusive, loop.
How to Break the Loop of Rationalization
The ways we can break the loop is to first identify the ways we rationalize and what behavior triggers it. This requires us to be wide awake and alert with what is going on inside of us and in the environment around us. Once we have clarity about how we feel and what it is that we actually need in a relationship, we ought to confront the other person by being open and honest about how what is going on – what they do and how we feel about it – and set boundaries about what is unaccepted behavior.
I have been working with this for the last 10 years and I still catch myself rationalizing because I am not perfect, and none of us is. However, once I started confronting people with my truth and setting boundaries, the quality of my relationships has improved. Yes, quite a few mirrors left my life and this is OK as when a relationship serves its purpose it has to move away. The mirrors that stayed in my life are mutually uplifting and life supportive as we challenge each other knowing that it is safe to do so and that it all comes from a place of love and intent to grow.